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Monday, December 1, 2008

Dilemma of the Heart

For the past week I've been helping a close girlfriend of mine get through a horrendous time in her life. She's been dating this guy since August.

She loves him.. he said he loved her. So he moved in with her after leaving his ex-wife. They have fun, take trips, have great sex, get tattoos of each other..

She says he is her absolute soul mate. Satisfies the mind and the body.

I had the opportunity of meeting him a few times. My stomach said something different, but my heart wanted to feel all happiness for my friend. So I did.

The days went by, everyday life settled in, and the love well ran dry.

First call was like.. "I had to take down, (pics) and get rid of all my guy friends, and no more playing volley-ball, guys are there and he'll get jealous."


"We're getting married in January, and I'm trying to have his baby. He loves me so much!"


"We had an argument last night.. he tricked me into saying something I didn't want to say, and he said he'll leave me, that I'm an ugly bitch, and a bad mother".. e.t.c


"I didn't wake him up in time, and iron his clothes, so he was mad, he was gonna throw a bowl of cereal at my face!"

This was just the beginning. After many attempts of explaining that this was not the "one", and that she was being controlled & abused she finally reached out. He was still talking to his ex-wife on a regular basis. My friend called and retrieved some information on him... he was nothing like he ever built the image to be.

Per the advice of the ex, she submitted for a restraining order.

Under a restraining order you must not talk, or have any type of communication whatsoever. Well, her heart failed her and she broke it. She called him and wanted
to talk about why she did it. (because she was scared for her and her child)

An abuser can be a great manipulator. She told him everything, how she had been talking to this ex. He told her everything that the ex said was a lie. The psychopath mind of an abuser switched back on to the lover side and convinced her that everything everybody has told her was a lie, and that he was the best thing in her life, and that he would come back ONLY.. under some circumstances:

1) She write a letter to the court office annulling the restraining order by saying she was on drugs and reported false information
2) She write a letter to her family saying she was on drugs and that everything was a lie and that she emotionally hurt him and abused her own daughter.

Absolute control.

She said no.

He put it on her again.. they met up. Her heart once again failed, and she gave in and now they're back together.

After changed locks, court documents, fights with the ex-husband, relocation and ridicule from family and friends..

She let him win again. How come the urge of love is so strong that no matter what kind of shit its made up as, they will still take abusers back?

Fucking ridiculous.


dizzblnd said...

That is horrible. Your friend probably i struggling with things about herself that she doesn't like. She may think that is the best she can do..etc.. A look into her upbringing might give you a clue as to why she keeps going back. It is so hard to watch, you feel helpless although you are doing everything you can short of hitting her over the head and relocating her to another stae.

All you can do is be there for her. Give her numbers for support groups.. etc..

But she has to want to help herself before she will accept any outside help.

Keep us posted.

dizzblnd said...

She needs to understand also that wat she's feeling is not love, but fear. :(

Errant said...

is this really love?
I dunno if love wud make me do the same, then i don't want it ..

But this is always the way it is with ladies, i'm telling ya .. here in Saudi it's the same .. it's usually women who takes all the shit .. then apologize for that . and maybe, or maybe not his highness will forgive !!!!

but this usually happens when kids are involved, a woman wud be scared to leave her children ..

I think that the best thing that your friend should do is to think using her mind not her heart .. it's our hearts that causes all the troubles ..

i'm so sad for her .. i dunno if she can after all of that .. but i feel like you're a very good friend to her .. just keep close .. show her how her life is being turned over and controlled ..


Missy said...

It took my best friend 8 years!! to get out of an abusive relationship.
We all tried to talk some sense into her but it was a waste of time. She finally had enough and realized he was never gonna change.

Babbington said...

Yes, this really is very sad. But unfortunately, it's not always so easy to 'see straight' when you're in such a situation, is it? The power of love (or rather one's emotions and the way we let them influence us) should never be underestimated.

The worst part is when you know that what friends and family are saying is right... but you just just can't bring yourself to make the step to break through - even though you know 100% that that's what needs to happen if you're ever going to move on.

I've seen this enough times with my own friends, as well as with myself. I've even uttered the words "Yeah, I know you're right...".

At the end of the day, I think it comes down to strength of character and a belief in oneself that, yes it will be difficult/upsetting/uncomfortable to make the move, but it's what has to happen - for everyone's sake.

We're always learning, and such experiences ultimately make us who we are. I'm a great believer in the theory that everything happens for a reason; it may take years to work out what these reasons are, even if we don't understand why something happens the way it does, but reminding ourselves that 'it's just something that I have to accept and go through' can be a great comfort. I came round to this way of thinking many years ago, and I can tell you it's got me through some pretty tough times.

It sounds like you are doing everything a good friend should - ie just being there for her, even though it must be very upsetting and frustrating to see her pain and the suffering she keeps putting herself through.

I wish her well, and hope that she can finally search deep within herself and find the truth that she knows has probably been there all along.

SheBloggs said...

dizzblnd: Thanks! You always comforting! and your right her mom was abused by her 1st husband for many years, my friend never saw it, but she might picked it up from her mom? I dunno. I do agree about helping herself. Thats the stage she's at right now.. no one else can do that for her.

Errant: I took a Women's Studies class in college and majority of it was womens rights in the Middle East, and this does happen alot. Women are put last and to blame. She using nothing BUT her heart, thats exactly what's getting her in touble, but she thinks thats the one she should use. Too many movies & love stories for her, but this is a freakin thriller.

Missy: 8 YEARS!!!! I hope that doesn't happen for her, cause I told her I'll be here for her, but I don't know if I can hang around 8 years with this asshole by her side. She invited me to a b-day party for her neice, and I totally said yes, then I was like, wait is HE gonna be there? She said no, but if he was I wasn't gonna go.

Babbington: Yea, she told me I was right. So I thought if you know I'm right, then why can't you leave? Just yesterday I told her pretty much what you said, that this is something in you life your going through that's making decisions for who you are, and it's up to her to decide how she's gonna get through it. I can not continue to stress how about it.

Thank you all for your kind words, it's been stressful for me too because she is so smart and a great woman and I really hate to see this happen to someone I love.

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