I see LIFE in a whole new light..

I've been missing all of my cool bloggerific friends, so I decided to come back and read and also give a lil update on how every thing's been going. Not only for you but to myself. Kinda like my way of talking it out.. feels good.

So... back in the end of June my grandma passed. All my talking and blogging of not calling her kind of choked me up. Very unexpected, she was only 66.. so I've been dealing with that. Finally got back on my feet and dried my tears until July 27th came, and my water breaks.. I announced on here that I was preggo. I made it all the way to 17 weeks and 3 days and my water fucking breaks. Did you know a baby can't survive without it's amniotic fluid for the rest of the pregnancy.. well it can they said by the grace of God but it would have a multitude of complications.

That hurt like a ton of wrecking balls to the heart.

It as a boy, exactly what I wanted sooo bad, I was going to name him Ellis. Even though he was 9 oz he had so much character in his face, arms and legs long like his Dad's, lips and nose like mine. Even right down to the matching shape of the toes finger nails.. he was going to be so beautiful.

My birthday was July 29th so you know I was damning God for such a wonderful birthday gift, but time has passed and I'm ok, we're okay. We're actually going to wait until our original agreement of 30 to try again.. get some time to get healthier, go to church.. just whatever ever it takes to get a life back on a that positive level..

On a happier note I'll be back with a new me.. life's too short, all this death has opened me up a lil bit. I'll most definitely have something to blog about now.. lol

The Darkest Hour

I attended a funeral today.

Normally, they aren't too bad. Extremely sad yes, but usually I can empathetically make it through them. Especially if I'm paying my respects to someone I didn't quite know.

My husband's close friend lost his mother last week, due to a mixture of pills and medication. It wasn't necessarily intentional, but when she went to sleep she never woke up again.

I didn't know her, I met her, Donna is her name, a couple times while dating my husband. The eternity of one moment of meeting someone then they are gone in a blink of an eye. I felt incredibly sorry for our friend. He was very close to his mother, and she was all he had. That's one thing I couldn't ever image. Losing my mother. I have yet to even experience death on a personal level, and think I would just completely loose it. We've spent all week drying his tears and rubbing his back, and yet today felt like a heavy flood of sorrow and pain. Everything I noticed. It might of been cloudy here in our hearts but today was extremely beautiful. Vividly sunny, the bluest sky, and the warmest winds. He asked for her casket to be all white, it bore silver angels on the side and pink ribbon with her name written above it. The grass never looked so greener, with the dirt piled in heaps in the corner. Rose petals, previously taken apart for the barriel twirled in the wind mixed with the autumn leaves around the feet of her grandson who laid with his head on his mother's shoulder while her body shook with weeping.

Our friend's face was cold and I noticed he never looked up. My husband took to his side and cried with him, he once also lost his mother some time ago. When they were done, and the group of respecters scattered, I saw him lean with one knee on the dirt ground in his severely creased black dress pants and held on to the silver handle on his mother's casket.

I gave my husband a tight squeeze and we left our respects with our grieving friend.
The afternoon sun dried our tears, and the ride home was left unspoken.

What do you do when one loves another so. That when they pass, their grief is so indescribable, that they feel like they lost everything they've ever known in it's entirety. Such as losing a mother. I couldn't imagine.