Imprudent Hearts

Imprudent Hearts

You want to say it’s funny and how you think God has a sense of humor, but I really think it doesn’t work that way. I’m trying to remove myself to ponder on my situation and view it from the highest mountain peak to further understand my dilemmas. I go searching for something in the places that aren’t meant to be searched. Turns out, the very thing I long for the most is given to someone else. I’m lost, yet glowing so bright, I mirror the diamond ring at the bottom of the sea. What heartbreak, to say the least.

I want to blame myself for the stupid choices I’ve made, yet excuse myself for not being strong enough through all the crisis. “One can only hold on for so long” I said to myself. However, to fully remove myself from my morality just to steal someone else’s joy is the epitome of all self deficiency. “That’s what you get..” I said to myself. For removing my mind from the right path onto another that leads to heartache, turmoil, betrayal and deceit.

What am I to do? When my head and heart are in so deep, fermenting in its own perplexity. Spending restless nights looking at my reflection in the mirror, hoping the pain in my eyes will reveal all the unanswered questions. “I need to start back praying” I said to myself. God has all the answers. God can remove the doubt, the unwanted longing, and the emotions that are forever imprinted inside the bowels of my existence. With Him, like morning dew, I am washed clean.

“Come, lay down with me..” I said to him.

Let’s forever cease to be, captured in all the glorious moments of our shared eternity. Forget me not, the times frozen in still but today...in this presence, where that journey towards emptiness ends, I have broken free.

Infidelity & Tan Lines

What's going on with marriage today? I must admit I'm utterly confused? Being almost 3 years in, I'm thinking we are invincible.

My girlfriend in California is trying the dating thing out there. She's having a great time being single, black, and getting to know herself more as she ages. Occasionally, she'll entertain me with a crazy story with one of her guys she is "talking" to at the moment. This one in particular, Vincent...  :::shaking my head::

My girlfriend went out for her birthday, turning 27. She meets a guy coming out of the bar. He's stepping out with his friends, getting into his latest Lexus SUV. He sees my girlfriend walking with her friends. He steps out and catches her before she crosses the street. He asked for her name and began with the 'let me give you a call shepeal' ..

While he was talking she peeps into the back seat of the SUV, she saw a car seat AND a booster seat. Two kids, really??. Normally after seeing that she would of passed up automatically, but after a dry spell or two, and experiencing the small pool of men that actually don't want to try forever, she decided to give him a try. They traded numbers, he calls her.

Vincent is a black, handsome college educated, frat brother in his late twenties... she asks him during the phone conversation about the kiddie caboodle in the back. He said, yea he has kids. He and girlfriend had recently broken up and he was staying with his mother. He has a 4 year old an a 2 month old. A 2 month old is pretty freaking fresh!.. She understood, he was cute, so she gave him a try. After a couple weeks and a steamy unexpected make out session in the the elevator, she  fiiinnnaally gave up the cookie.

After all the dates out, many in depth conversations, wine and over nights he started to let his guard down. He sat on the floor with both of his arms perched on top of the bed. My friend glanced at his left hand and stared at the bright tan line with all the glowing red arrows pointing to it. She leaned on the wall..."Are you married???" Calm and smooth as butter he said, "Nope, it's a birth mark." Inside she was furious because not only was that fucking ridiculous, it was saying she was completely stupid to her face. She wanted his trust to further reveal his lies, so she smirked.. "No, really.. how long have you been married?"

He said 8 years. "We have a wonderful relationship." " I love her and she loves me, I just need to step out once in awhile. Everyone does it, you wouldn't believe who all I know who do this type a thing. Over 90% of married men have cheated or WILL cheat at some time, it's just in our nature" She said, "Does your wife know??" He said, "No, are you crazy. I keep this completely under control." She said, "Why didn't you tell me you was married..???"  He then committed to further dig himself into lies, like.... " I really liked you and I didn't want you to find out because I didn't know you was gonna take it??.. you are so smart, and our conversations are just so good, and I can't talk to my wife like I can talk to you.. blah blah blah... fucking blah.

All the information crept up and came out like vomit. He spewed it everywhere like he was begging to get it out. Usually habitual liars are eventually like that with someone. He said, he purposely got a membership at 24 Hour Fitness because why??...It's open 24 hours and he can say he's there when he's with whichever woman. When he meets girls, he makes up a story about his life, and he uses alot of energy hiding the tan line by sitting on the right side of the girl, so his left arm can be over her shoulder. The whole object was to be good at lying. So then he began confessing a story on his in's and outs on meeting another chick he was currently "talking" to. He said he didn't care about her so he always wore his wedding ring around her. It took her roommate to finally point it out. When it was all out in the open between the 3 of them, he said she didn't care one bit.

My friend asked, "Would you be okay if you wife did it to you?" He said, "No... not really. But what I don't know won't hurt me."

Are these people crazy!!!??

Needless to say, but she was hurt. Because she allowed herself to trust him with her emotions, to open up to dating a man with kids, and for him not letting her decide on how to feel about him being married. Thank GOD she's totally against it, but what got to her was this new type of man. We're noticing we're not kids anymore, 27 is getting to the age of life consciousnesses. My girlfriend said, she never even thought to examine the wedding finger and who would go to so far links to lie and betray the love of another human being you promised your life too? She said.."This is the crap you see Sunday on Lifetime.. not in my studio Long Beach apartment.

Later in the week, at work she started looking at the clients that were men fingers at her job. A man in his 60's hit on her, he asked that she email him sometime. Not call but email. He was coming back from a long trip at a time share.. he kept saying we. She didn't see a ring and didn't think he was married until he called back up there after he left to see if his wife left the garage opener there.. she confirmed it was him.

Why are so many married men cheating?

Lazy Night Time Lover

Okay, so my husband has fully evolved himself into the "this is the way I like it, so deal with it" attitude. We have our weekly random fight over Night time vs. Morning time.

I like to do the dew in the night... makes sense, it's the end of the day, it was stressful, your already tired, now lets relax, kick one off and have some good sleep. Well that's not what he thinks. It's really the total opposite. He's tired, doesn't want to do anything but crash, be fully rested in the morning and kick one off to be ready for his stressful day. Now don't get me wrong mornings aren't bad, but we have to switch it up here a little bit.

Plus I like to workout in the morning.... early...outside. Sure I mean, that can be a workout but not everyday, plus webmd.com says that in 30 minutes you can burn 85 calories or more. Sorry but working out burns WAY more. Although 42 half hour sessions will burn 3,570 calories which is enough to lose a lb. But who has time to crank it out 42 times before they go to work? ;o) So.. I guess that is a positive. However though, afterwards I'm like a floating mess in lala land that needs to crash immediately. Now that isn't the mood I want to be in for the morning.

So still we debate. He says he'll plan to wow me after work, but thats if he makes it before he starts snoring or not. I pointed this issue out with my girlfriend and she said she has the same issue. She even gets the occasional "Good Morning" pokes as her notification. I'm like is this a guy thing or what? Have I been living under a rock somewhere? I want to think it differs from guy to guy though. I went to askmen.com and it said that men developed nocturnal penile tumescence (NPT) which causes a man to have 3-5 erections as he sleeps. Which severely entices the mood for the morning. Okay.. so I guess I knew that much...but it still doesn't explain the repetition of it all.

I guess I will charge it to marital bliss. I'm not starved so I'm not complaining, when it gets to that level I will be on the phone with the next marriage counselor. But for now I'll cherish our special mornings and keep my appreciation for the special nights. They do sparkle when we do have them though.

The Happy Award!

Arnetta over at This May Sound Crazy But...  awarded me the Happy Award. This is my first award being back in a long time! So THANKS girl! What a way to hop back in the saddle.

Rules are: List 10 things that make you HAPPY. Then tag 10 Happy bloggers you really dig.... ya dig??

10. Collecting Pens makes me happy..

I have a weird obsession with collecting pens. Mainly the uni-ball gel ink ones. I never use the old ball point faded looking ones anymore. They no longer suffice. The larger the collection the better. I like all colors with a fine tip, housed in a humorous coffee cup of some kind. lol


9. Happily utilizing my Green Thumb

I absolutely love gardening. I discovered it after I lost my baby. I wanted to plant some perennials in the fall to come up in the spring in remembrance. I've never thought I would like it but I just fell in love with it. I just hope everything comes up in the spring, that would be the biggest treat this year could offer.

8. Converse Happiness

Chuck Taylor Converse shoes make me happy. I'm so conservative and by the book and then Friday comes peeking it's head around the corner. I'm the office in my jeans, chucks and feeling nice. I might be pushin 30, but I still feel like the old me. I actually went to a birthday dinner at Fogo de Chao in a 'Sex In The City' Charlotte type knee legnth black skirt, a torqouise cardigan, clutch.....and my chucks. I never been hit on so much in my life! ( I would of had the heelz on, but my dawgs were already barkin from the night before, and you know you can't walk cripple in a sexy pair of pumps!)

7. Happiness is in Arts & Crafts

 

I never was in the girl scouts I just stole their badge but Arts and Crafts are SO relaxing. To have the hands on project to help you clear your mind is great. Anything I want to buy to either give to someone or decorate, I ask myself if I can make it first. Recently for Valentines Day me and my 'just as equally crafty' bff made our own red sexy candles. Even decorated them with red ribbon and I orchestrated a blooming red flower on mine with the rose petals we had left over. Good shit, I must tell ya.

6. Comedies! = Happy

Whenever I'm not happy.. a good gut bustin chuckle will always get me back on the saddle to happiness. I am a comedic enthusiast. I watch all the comedy specials, shows, movies etc. One time I had such a bad day at work I came home and fell into my hands and started crying, I turned on the TV and America's Funniest Video's came on and I was at first smirken a little bit, then at the middle of the show I chuckilin, then towards the end I was all the way into and laughing at the most stupid stuff, but it surely turned my frown upside down.

5. What's happy w/o Delectable Desserts

I have like a SERIOUS sweet tooth.. and they make me happy. Call me an emotional eater if ya want too, but my serotonin levels stay spiked while indulging on some goodness as this. Apple pie is my absolute fave, ice cream didn't come with this pic but I surly can't separate the two. I'm also a mean baker and can throw down. My favorites to bake are Bread Pudding w/ Rum sauce, Pineapple Upside Down biscuits, Banana, Walnut, Cranberry bread creation and many more.

4. Writing: Getting your happiness out on paper.

There isn't noting like creative writing. I've been drawn to it for forever now. It's a release, creativity, imagination, all in one. I remember when I was in 4th grade I wrote 370+ notebook & pencil pages (which was the very thick lined old school paper lol) about all kinds of short stories. I was a child who enjoyed being alone in my room with my radio playing and writing as much as my mind would allow, or how big the callus was on the inside of my middle finger. lol

3. SUMMER IS HAPPY

Life would be life-less without the summer. I just love it. The whole season is just a big smile on my memories. I was born under the JULY sun, and 5 days earlier so was my husband. We love the heat, the sweat, barefoot breeze's, nights and everything else that goes with it. I think since I from Kansas and we get all seasons and more here I'm extra appreciative of summer. I don't know how I would act if I had it all the time. I just know when it FINALLY comes around that's when the party starts.

2. Love is more than happiness..

                                             

...but I just adore it. It literally makes the world go round. Makes me still crazy about my husband, makes me call my mom and pet my dog until he falls asleep resting in all my lil nooks and crannies. I call myself the 'Lovers Lover" cause I'm just so bad ass at it. Be careful how close you get cause I just might love you too.. lol <3 The greatest love-John 3:16.

1. MUSIC is dancing in the happiness..

  

Music is my ultimate love that makes me incredibly happy. Songs are like tiny heartbeats that can automatically bring you back to a place you once were. It can captivate you and get you stirred all up, or just having you sit back and fully relaxed. I love it so because at times it can be my emotional tagger. Each person in my life has their own soundtrack of songs that bring me back to them everytime. What a great gift! Plus I love to sing. I swear I was some type of crooner in some smokey bar some place in my lifetime..lol

Since I haven't been back in like, forever.. I'm tagging 5

Ten Five Happy Bloggers:
Islandbaby at A Beautiful Recovery
Her Mommy at embellish.meant
Errant at My Own Circus Show
Chole at Confessions of an Ex- Drama Queen
Natalie at Use Your Words, Little Girl

Can't Take It Anymore!

So I've been talking to my husband about quiting my job.

I am by no means a quiter but I can't take the stresses and unbalance of work loads anymore. I've been at the same profession since a year out of college. Actually I stopped school to work there full time, so I've been there ever since 2002. I've moved up and ranked but have yet to be fully satisfied with my working LIFE.

What do you do when you make an adquate amount of income but severely depressed about being there? Quit? I'm 27 now, will be 28 in July and I'm having this ora of self worth that keeps tapping me on the head asking me if this is what I was meant to be doing for the rest of m life? Then the RECESSION slug slithers over and says I gotta stay or I won't ever find anything else. What to do?

I've been thinking for a few years now about how I want to start my own business. We've been saving to buy a house, but I think I want to use that money to start up a small restraunt. It has always been a dream and I would consider it doing something I love. I complain I'm stressed now but owning a business can conjure just the same or even more head aches. BUT I will justify it as doing it for something I love doing? Right?

Second guessing myself is what I do best. lol Well this is how dreams begin, fueled by pains of instability. If I don't do this than I must do something.. I will personally give myself another year or two then I'm out the door. I must exspirence life with a new challenge, tackel it, kick the shit of out it, and maybe have time for a drink on the beach afterwards. We shall see!

The Kiss of Death

The title of this blog may sound like a Forensic File episode or maybe a funny story when actually it's a strory as serious as a heart attack.



Here in Kansas City we have a newly renovated downtown called "The Power and  Light District'. It houses many chic bars, restarurants, clubs and late night concerts. Well my friend and her cousin were going out for the evening. My friend and her cousin are both beautiful, young and vibrant ladies.



While in the club my friend said to her cousin, "Don't leave me this time, lets stay together tonight! I am not taking a cab home again." The cousin said, "Okay promise." Well after a couple drinks and some long dances the cousin met a guy that visually swept her off her feet. She said he was so sexy, tall and handsome. They kissed and made out during the night.... He asked her if he could take her to his house so they could continue their "love sessions". She said to him that she promised she couldn't leave her cousin alone. He begged and she begged my friend and my friend pleaded NO!... The cousin swapped numbers with him so they could re-ignite their passion elsewhere when they got the chance some other time. The girls went home, exchanged stories of the sexy random with hopes of calling him again sometime during the week.



A few days goes by and the cousin gets a painful, blistering type of cold sore on the bottom of her lips. This is extreamly embarrassing because she's fairly attractive. She immediately goes to the Dr. to see what type of sore was growing rapidly on her lips. The Dr. nicely advises her to wait while he runs some quick test to see what exactly what it was. The Dr. came back, completly serious and a tad shaken. He asks her, "Who have you recently been with or kissing to give you this on your face?" Embarrssed she denied no one and just said it grew there. He forces the answer out of her again. She again denied but anxiously wondered what the hell was going on?



 The Dr. left the room again. After awhile the Dr. came back escorting 2 male officers. The officers politely greeted her and asked her again. Scared out of her wits she obliged and asked what was going on?? With the Dr. standing by, the officer told her that what she had on her lip was an extreamly deadly fungus, but only found on dead caucuses, or deceased humans. She panicked and began to open up entirely. She told them the whole story of what happen that Saturday night and who she was with. The officers asked if she still had the phone number of the guy she was with. She did and gave it to them.



Days later the officers visited that sexy guy's house. They did a search while he wasn't home. Inside they found 2 dead bodies. Both female victims and about the same age of my friend and her cousin. The man was arrested and has been taken to jail. He hasn't been convicted of anything yet but we know for sure he was into necrophilia with these women.

Necrophilia: sexual arousal stimulated by a dead body. The stimulation can be either in the form of fantasies or actual physical sexual contact with a corpse.



It was totally traumatic for my friends family. Even for me! This is a true story and I couldn't believe this happened so close to home, or someone I knew. I believe in God and had to immediately pray and give thanks that she wasn't the next victim. Her life has been spared.


I had to call my BF in Cali just to let her know the craziness in our lil city and for her to be careful up there. You never know where situations in your life can take you. Hopefully my friends cousin will remember this and choose her surrounding and people wisely.

TV Watchin Time

So lately I've been diving in a few TV shows before school starts, and also considering it's winter and I can hibernate like the best of the bears. When I should be EXERCISING but that's another blog.

One of the show's I've watching is Tough Love on VH1. These ladies have made many failed attempts themselves at love so they go see Steven Ward a matchmaker who tries to offer them help at finding a partner. What intrigued me with this show is the personalities of some of these ladies. I've seen some of thier traits in my friends, family, co-workers.. hell even me. What I like is the help Steven is givin is foreal. Like MEN DO THINK THIS WAY! oh and also you have to learn to play their GAME. I learned that a loooong time ago. I would like to say that's how I snagged the hubs, but really I think I just know when to keep my mouth shut.... that's really all that matters...sadly. But the advice really is good advice what I do with my friends with the "same situations" is call them up and say.. "Hey have you seen that show Tough Love!? It's pretty interesting you should watch it!" lol

Other than that I might catch some others on the fly by like Hoarders on A&E. This is so odd to me and I know this is an actual medical mental condition but man it is interesting to watch? Espicially when I need to get my house clean. After watching that it will sure make you get up and get stuff out. These families are effected by a family member who surround themselves with trash/clutter/astronmical shopping and clothes. They have an emotional bond with these items and usually are suffering from some type of emotional trauma. Sad show really, espically when children are involved.